Brets Journals

In our last episode it was evident that Bret was losing his edge. He was going on a date with a woman with the sole purpose of giving her a good time. This might not be so bad you might think, perhaps he’s just mellowing out? But it is bad because Bret is falling in love he is turning into an annoying asshole. He’s not talking to his friends anymore, not that he has many anyway. He is talking about settling down and having kids. I mean can you imagine kids like Bret? …..er……bad idea! Anyway we rejoin our hero as he arrives at the restaurant with Maria for their dinner date…

“After you” said Bret.

“Thank you”

(yeah I know what a waste of dialogue…but it sets the scene)

“My you smell lovely – baboons rectum my favourite fragrance!” complemented Maria

“Thank you, I pride myself on my smell” replied Bret.

They sat down at a table and a waiter came over to take their order.

“I’ll have the 100oz steak with chips and salad, a roast chicken with roast potatoes, a pepperoni supreme pizza with extra everything, the turkey with extra beef, the avocado dip, the curry with ice cream, the roast human with mint frosting, the sate’d Welk with goat sauce, the pig salad with sheep dip, what the man over there is eating, the fish of the day with extra fat, the Kentucky fried chicken with extra legs and wings…they breed ‘em like that y’know…..”

“Really?” said said the waiter

“No don’t be stupid! ….the frog spawn with caviar and the meat platter with prawns for my starter!”

“…and for you sir?” asked the waiter.

“….er I’ll have the soup” replied Bret.

“…oh yes ..waiter I’ll have the soup too!” said Maria.

“A healthy appetite! I like that in a woman” said Bret the suave Bastard

Later that evening after the restaurant’s cooks had been overworked and had quit 13 times only to be reinstated for further wage increases.

“….I can’t decide whether to have the chocolate gateaux or….the strawberry cheesecake………….oh no no no”

“….too fattening huh?” retorted Bret.

“….I’ll have both!”

There was something wrong. Bret couldn’t quite put his finger on it but he was sure that something wasn’t quite right. Maybe the waiter or perhaps the food, he couldn’t decide.

“Maria it seems to me you can eat almost anything and not gain weight” said Bret

“It’s true” replied Maria, “In fact the more I eat the thinner I get!”

“Come on Maria the mere weight of the food inside you must….”

“No Bret you’re wrong!…..you’re terribly wrong…..you see…….

I AM A CREATURE FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION!!!!!!!!”

(PSYCHO KIND OF NOISE……..eee eee eee eee eee!!!!)

“Is that a good enough reason for not paying the bill?”

In a Prison far from that restaurant Bret’s sister had recovered from her wounds. (yeah I know it has only been a few hours in which to be arrested, beat up, go to the hospital, be put on trial, sent to prison and heal…..but it’s a story so I don’t care……the Bastards are fast healers)

“That biro I shot Bret with should have taken effect by now” thought Bretina

(wavy flashbacky kind of effect)

Those of you who have good memories will remember this scene from episode 2.

“You don’t fool me, That biro isn’t loaded!”

“BANG!”

(ok so biros don’t go bang unless you fill them with gunpowder ,but it was funny anyway)

“That’s right, this biro isn’t loaded…..but this one is!” said Bretina pulling a loaded biro from her pocket. And shooting Bret in the leg.

“ouch!” shouted Bret “That hurt …no fair Sis your using real weapons nowadays”

Ok that’s for all of you who skipped it cos you can’t be bothered to read these stories properly.

(wavy shimmery flashbacky kind of effect)

“It should have made him fall in love with the first woman that he saw after it took effect.” thought Bretina “Now if I can just find a way to get out of here I can finish the job I started.”

Bretina walked out into the play area to play on the bouncy castle that the prison had recently installed.

“OH MY GOD IT’S BRET THE BASTARD…..WITH LONG HAIR!!!!!….RUN FOR IT LADS!!” shouted a petrified prisoner already heading for the door.

“Aaaaiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeee!!!!” shouted the rest of the prisoners (they’ve been trained how to scream in unison) and immediately started a riot attempting to get away from Bretina.

“This is going to be easier than I thought” mused Bretina bouncing over the nearest prison wall and jumping to freedom….

“Now Bret you’re number is up!”

Meanwhile Bret was having a bad day….

“I can’t believe it Maria my therapist, a creature from another dimension? That explains her green skin!” thought Bret “I want to get away from her and yet, I find her strangely attractive. No I must get away, but she is so gorgeous. I mean green skin and a orange dress what amazing dress sense.”

“Is something wrong dear?” asked Maria.

“Well apart from the fact that you’re a creature from another dimension…er….no not really!”

“Oh don’t let that bother you….I thought it might be the fact that I have green scaly skin and a face like John Prescott!”

“….er…now that you mention it….er……no it doesn’t matter….I love you Maria …lets get married and have kids….”

Just then Bretina burst into the Restaurant sporting her new short back and sides (For disguise)

“Ok now it’s time for you to die Bret!” shouted Bretina

“…Oh no you don’t!” shouted Maria” He’s coming back to my dimension with me to get married. He loves me!

“Die you green Bitch!!!!” shouted Bretina.

“Sis can’t we talk about this?…oh and by the way nice haircut…very manly”

“NO…and thank you!”

“Quick Bret lets get out of here!” said Maria getting her dimension jumper out of her pocket.

“Put this jumper on Bret….It’ll take you to another dimension” (hmmmm) “But it only has enough power for one jump!”

“Diiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeee!!!!!” said Bretina jumping at them and hitting both Bret and Maria with the door.

Suddenly it was chaos in the restaurant. Fighting everywhere. Bretina caught Maria with a left hook which knocked her unconscious. When Maria awoke she found Bret and Bretina arguing but she couldn’t decide which was which.

“Which one of you is the real Bret?” she asked.

The two bastard twins looked up but said nothing. Maria then got out her Bastardizer ™ ray gun and pointed it at them.

“The real Bret loves me so I’ll let him live…now which one of you is the real Bret?”

“I am” they both said.

“The real Bret would know what grade the shaver was on when he shaved the dogs head off …he loves me” she said “so I want you to tell me what grade that was!”

“It was grade -7″ came a cry from the Bret on the right

“That’s right! Come on baby it’s time to go my dimension” Maria shouted slipping on the jumper grabbing the Bret on the right and then disappearing in a shower of sparks not giving her lover a chance to say another word.

(Oh no is this the end for Bret the Bastard is he doomed to spend the rest of his life with the ugliest of other dimensional beings?)

“Well it’s time to go home” said the real Bret.

(“wait a minute how the hell did you do that” asked the writer who knows already but has to ask for all of the people who are reading and don’t know…well actually the writer is trying to think up a reason why…….)

“It’s simple” said Bret to no-one in particular “What Maria didn’t know is that I can throw my voice, so when she asked the question I just made it sound like it was me but it was actually Bretina. That was simple wasn’t it!”

(but how did you break the spell of the love potion?)

“Ahh well it’s obvious! Green skin I could deal with but when I realised that she was the spitting image of John Prescott the spell was broken. I mean how could anyone even think of loving John and marrying him let alone going out with him or having an affair. They would have to be insane!!!”

THE END

Bret Returns in American Gladiator Showdown in Big Brettown