Taming Of The Bastard – Part II
Some days are the best days that you can ever have. Some are full of wonderful events and deeds. For Bret today is a strange one. Now I can here you all thinking that every day of Bret’s life seems to be on the strange side but this day was strange in the extreme. Some might say verging the bizarre. This is because Today is Bret’s first day of counselling. “Not so strange” you might say, “He seems like just the sort of psychopathic sadistic mentally unstable person who requires such treatment“. Well this is not the only strange thing this day. Today Bret has been reunited with his long lost sister who he hasn’t seen in years. “Well!” you might say “that should mean that he should be very happy!“. Well, yes and no. Bret is very happy to see old Sis again but his lovely sister is threatening him with a rather blunt biro and she only wants to see him in a very dead sense. Now I imagine that you can all see that this day in the life of Bret is turning out to be extremely odd even in the case of old Bret the Bastard. Anyway introductions aside lets see what happens…
“Sis how ya been?” asked Bret the negotiator Bastard
“I hate you, you chauvinist Pig!” screamed Bret’s sister.
“Bretina” said Bret in a “you stole my favorite toy” kind of voice.
“What? Your sister is called Bretina” giggled Maria, “bwahahahahahahahahahaha!!…what a shit name. That’s nearly as bad as Nigella!!!”
“How dare you insult my name….I am Bretina the Bitch and I am Bret’s sworn enemy!”
Bretina shifted her position and grabbed Maria, threatening her with the biro.
“Come any closer and I’ll biro the woman!” shouted Bretina.
Bret decided to use the old trick…
“You don’t fool me, That biro isn’t loaded!”
BANG!
(ok so biros don’t go bang unless you fill them with gunpowder, but it was funny anyway)
“That’s right, this biro isn’t loaded…..but this one is!” said Bretina pulling a loaded biro from her pocket and shooting Bret in the leg.
“Ouch!” shouted Bret “That hurt…no fair Sis your using real weapons nowadays.”
“Who’s the woman?” asked Bretina.
“She’s my therapist” replied Bret.
“You’re doin’ a shit job!” said Bretina to Maria.
“I beg your pardon?” said Maria.
“I said you’re doin’ a shit job you silly bitch…why don’t you get your ears fixed?”
Just then Maria elbowed Bretina in the guts and then preceded to kick seven tons of shit out of her with the book case. She then stood over top of the now motionless Bretina and spat on her!…then spat on her again..and again…and again…in fact quite a few times really.
“That’s what I though you said…and DON’T CALL ME BITCH!”
(What a great catchphrase….er…..no!!)
Bret stood flabbergasted. (Bizarre factor twelve)
” can’t stand people who use bad language!” explained Maria.
“….er…..ok….” said Bret sheepishly.
“Now where were we?” she asked.
“er…sexual….experiences……..”
“Right ………..”
The interrogation continued while the police came in and took Bretina to prison. After she was taken to the hospital to have over four hundred stitches.
Later when Maria had called the session to an end Bret decided to walk her home. Just in case she decided to beat him up if he didn’t.
“Are you married?…Boyfriend?…Girlfriend?…pet?…sheep?…anything like that?” asked Bret in his most chivalrous manner. (bizarre factor six)
“No” answered Mariain a “where is this going?” kind of a way
“Do you want to go to dinner with me this evening?”
“Ok!”
“Great I’ll pick you up at eight.”
“Alright!”
Bret went home to prepare for dinner and put on his patented aftershave. It was called “Super Studball Stuff!“. It had not had much success on account that it smelled like a baboons rectum.
“Maybe I can settle down with this woman” he thought to himself, ” She seems like a nice girl. Maybe I’ll get married (again) and have kids…etc.” (Bizarre factor 300)
“You never know…..” thought Bret as he shut his front door and walked down the road.