Rumbles Down Under
It was about that time again. That time when writers block turns into a new story line…and where holidays would be on the menu for an international super-crime-fighter (lets not mention crime creator!). Bret was ready for a holiday…again! But of course, nothing was simple where Bret was concerned. (“If only it was and we didn’t have to read this crap you say!“) Anyway, as usual, lets get on with the story…
“I’m bored and lonely” said Bret,
“So what makes you any different from your usual self or any other sad loser without an inflatable fruit then” said Blow-up-banana-boy.
“…you always have to bring your banana into everything don’t you!, just because you think it makes you look like you have a much bigger penis than anyone else…well I can tell you that is not the case…and its not to do with what comes out of your arse either!” retorted Bret the I’m fed up with you trying to look like you are hard you wanker Bastard.
“But I’ve been using Anusol…it helps you know!”
(ok let me intercede here and say that in fact this is a real product…and yes it is to use on your arse. How come those people never realise that calling something by a name that links it to your bum might be just slightly embarrassing when you ask for it over the counter…well if there are any Americans reading this they might not get it so I will let you all make your own conclusions!)
Just then three was a knock at the door (you may remember that using the doorbell is not a good idea especially if your name is Danny Baker!)
Bret went to answer the door and found a young police constable there at the door.
“Good morning sir, I have been asked to give you this letter.” he said as he passed Bret a letter marked as AIRMAIL which looked like it had been flattened by a steam roller and beyond (…ie. anyone who has taken Taf Drazil brew will know what I mean!)
“Its from Australia” said Bret. “From the Police Chief”
“What does it say?” asked Blow-up-banana-boy.
“It says this:
There is a crisis down under. We have been called in to assist the Australians. The unfamous (no not infamous because no-one knows who she is) Gladys Wrap has started a crime wave here. I need you to get on a plane to Sydney right away. This is not a holiday…repeat this is not a holiday.!
Police Chief Incontinence
“S’pose we’d better go then” said Blow-up-banana-boy.
“Yeah, I could do with a holiday…even though we are having the hottest summer here for years and I never have to do any real work anyway. Coupled with the fact that it is winter over there!…Its a great idea!” mused Bret the I really don’t know where my life is going Bastard.
Much later on a 23 hour journey to Australia…
“Excuse me sir” said a not too good looking hostess and definitely not one of his ex-wives. “There is a lady back there who is asking if you would mind swapping your lovely isle seat for her crappy middle of the whole damn plane seat so that she can have sex with her newly wedded husband while you sit cramped in her old seat for 11 hours”
“…well…er…NO!…TELL THAT BITCH TO FUCK OFF” said Bret the I ain’t never giving up my seat to no beyatch Bastard.
The hostess looked somewhat distraught and walked away.
“Why do I always have the bad luck” said Bret as he settled down with a book while from behind him he heard the hostess shouting.
“BITCH, FUCK OFF!, from that gentleman over there” she said.
“…er excuse me” said the man sitting next to Bret. “That was my wife you just told that Air Hostess to go and tell to fuck off”
“So what!” said Bret as he turned to look at the guy sitting next to him. It was Vin Diesel.
“Well…I wanted some action you little wanker and if you don’t let me get some I’ll stare at you with my strange eyes!” said Vin.
Bret looked him over…he had never come up against a guy who could match him yet but it you never know it might happen. He looked like an average guy…virtual unknown, been in one ok movie, bit of over acting and thought he knew it all. Yep, Bret had his measure alright. His main concern was dealing with Vin in a way that wouldn’t alert the rest of the passengers to the fact that he had a wet patch on his trousers where he had dropped his complementary water earlier…
“So what’s it to be Monkeyboy?” said Vin.
“…so is Vin a shortening for Vincent…or Vinegar eh?…hello Mr Vinnie Vinegar…think you’re really hard but in fact people used to take the piss out of your name at school so you shortened it so that you would look cooler…well it doesn’t you look like a dick and those poofy contact lenses suck such humongous penis that they would be coughing up pubic hairs for a month!
“…sob…its true, people did laugh at me …sob. Who told you? How could you know? I haven’t told anyone for years” confessed Vin.
“Your wife told me earlier actually…well not in so many words but she blurted out your name while we were shagging in the toilets.” said Bret the ha! Got you this time you B-movie film star Bastard.
“Oh how embarrassing …still at least she didn’t tell you about me using Anusol…”
“ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ! you use ANUSol! you bum bandit!”
Much later, when the plane had actually arrived in Sydney, Bret and Blow-up-banana-boy headed into town to meet with the Police Chief.
“So what’s all this about then?” Bret asked the Chief.
“Gladys Wrap is creating havoc around Australia. She is stealing all the Beetroot in Australia” explained the Chief.
“So what’s bad about stealing Beetroot. Its horrible, they used to make me eat loads of that at school…euuuuckkkk!!!” said Blow-up-banana-boy.
“They need it here, every type of food has to have Beetroot with it otherwise it’s just not Aussie enough.” said the Chief.
“…so let me get this straight” said Bret the why have you got us out here to capture a Woman who obviously knows what she is doing by stealing all of the worst vegetable from this continent? Bastard. “You got us out here to help you capture a Woman who… (deja vu?) … is doing us all a favour!….and this is not a holiday?”
“Oh …and she says ‘gee its grouse!’ a lot”
“….oh my god, we have to stop this woman, before I choke on my own tongue!” said Bret.
“You’re right, anyone who is an evil villainess and has a catchphrase like that needs to be stopped before the author gets to bored to write another word and we all fall into insignificance due to having no story to live in!” cried Blow-up-banana-boy.
Is this the end for our heroes. Foiled by a woman who will bore their storyteller into oblivion. Actually, this is the end of this episode so you could say that it has already happened, but then I’m sure Bret will be back. Especially as there is nothing better for this writer to do then pen stupid stories about completely bizarre things that happen to a depraved anti-hero with delusions of Godhood and his inflatable fruit wielding sidekick who has bowel problems.
It all spells a great saga…more will be here soon….