Rumbles Down Under – Part II
So the world still turns and unfortunately they are still making very bad reality shows. Still there is only one thing worse than reality TV shows and that is repeats of reality TV shows which it would seem no network has stooped too yet unless you are reading this 10 years from now and they have started doing that as people minds have been totally emptied due to years of watching reality TV so can’t participate in one any more. (Although you could say that none of them have brains now anyway.). Anyway I digress. Reality is an illusion…there is only Bret!
Speaking of Bret, he is in Australia on a beach with his trusty side-kick Blow-up Banana Boy looking for a crazy Australian woman who steals beetroot and says “gee its grouse!” a lot… Now if that’s not a recipe for insanity I don’t know what is!
“So how are we going to find this mad woman?” asked Blow-up Banana Boy.
“That’s the beauty of it we don’t, she will find us!” relied Bret the confident for no apparent reason Bastard.
“What do you mean? Have you got a plan? Like finding some beetroot and making an elaborate trap, setting up a network of spies in order to give us feedback at a moments notice, securing a satellite to search the continent for us?…..” asked the exasperated Blow-up Banana Boy.
“No dumbass! I’m on holiday! Why would I want to do any of that shit when I could just sit around and get some rays and some chicks?”
“So what are we going to do then?”
“Nothing!”
“Nothing?”
“Look, you know what always happens in stories right? We are the good guys…” said Bret stretching the truth further than a Stretch Armstrong could even handle Bastard, “..and as such we can just go around filling in the gaps in a story until the Bad Guy/Gal (don’t you just love political correctness) turns up and tries to rule the world.”
“So they come to us not because we are amazingly clever and resourceful, but beacuse they have an overwhelming urge to show off and then destroy themselves!”
“Exactly”
“Sounds a bit simple to me, how come no-one ever notices that always happens?”
“No-one notices that “Sabrina The Teenage Witch” has been a teenager for over 20 years and that she was once called Clarissa do they? …so why should they actually notice anything else?”
“…er…I see your point”
“Good…now lets ge….”
Suddenly a sheet of thin plastic film shot out of the air, wrapping itself around Bret and Blow-up Banana Boy.
“G’day Boys!” Shouted a curiously Australian accent! “You’ve been Glad Wrapped! Gee its grouse!” (Did you know that in Australia Cling film is called “Glad Wrap”. Why you should be glad when you have a roll of thin clingy plastic I don’t know…or at least I’m not going to talk about it here!)
Behind them stood the towering image of Gladys Wrap. She was huge, in a “Oh look I’ve swallowed a herd of Elephants kind of a way” and she had facial hair. In fact facial hair was putting it mildly. There was a large badger (and not the suicidal ninja kind either) escaping from her nose. She was wielding a box of Cling Film in a particularly threatening manner…..(no I’m not going to call it Grad Wrap …OK!)
“Oh bollocks!” sighed Bret “I was looking to get a good tan before you turned up!”
“Too late sonny! Now I’ve got ya and I’m gonna have my wicked way wiv ya cobber! gee its grouse!” replied Gladys Wrap
“With my Cobber? I’m not sure I like the sound of this?” said Bret the slightly scared Bastard.
“Shut yer hole yer whinging Pom!” shouted Gladys “Now….where’s the beetroot?”
Bret and Blow-up Banana Boy stared at each other for what seemed like an age but was in fact only a few milliseconds (don’t you just love s…l…o…w…m…o…t…i…o…n). It was then that Bret had a plan. (Well actually that’s what he said afterwards but in fact he just decided to put on his “I know something you don’t know face” and wing it….as usual!)
“Who said we had some beetroot?” asked Bret.
“Look ‘ere you Daaaaaag! There ain’t no-one in old Auz without Beetroot. Even Hungry Jacks has Beetroot in its Aussie Burger, gee its grouse!.”
“….er….look if we give you our beetroot will you let us go?” asked Blow-up Banana Boy
“…might do, yer little runt, or i might take you home with me and play wiv yer fruit!,it looks grouse” replied Gladys.
“Look, I have a proposition for you” said Bret the scheming Bastard.
“What is it sonny, and be quick about it….it better be grouse!”
“I’ll give you the boy if you let me go. He knows how to farm beetroot like you wouldn’t believe. That much must be obvious, I mean look at the size of his fruit. How do you think he gets it so big?” stated Bret.
“Hmmmm, hmmmmmmmmm, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…..ok, you got yourself a deal” said Gladys “I need a new concubine as well.
“Bret, what are you suggesting. I thought we were a team?” cried Blow-up Banana Boy
“Yeah but I got bored of your waterproof trousers and your strange bowel disorders. Its time I got rid of you you large fruit wielding fool….see ya!”
“Sounds like a good plan to me!…its a deal” said Gladys picking up Blow-up Banana Boy and throwing him over her shoulder.
“Oh you’d better take this” said Bret handing Gladys a bag of sweets, “He like s to have one of these before bed time!”
“How could you do this to me?” shouted Blow-up Banana boy.
“See ya later ya whinging Pom!” said Gladys “Pleasure doing business wiv ya…Gee its Grouse!”
“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” screamed Blow-up Banana Boy as he was carried away.
“Well now I can get back to my tan” said Bret the backstabbing Bastard as he walked down the beach.
What’s this? Has Bret lost his senses, or has he come to them? Can he really have given Blow-up Banana Boy away to be a Beetroot grower and a sex slave to a psychotic Australian with a cling film fetish?
Find out in the next exciting episode…