Holiday From Hell
It was a cold winter day in Farnborough when Bret the bored shitless Bastard decided that he needed a holiday. He had solved many cases and had been working very hard to rid the world of the evil Lizard plots. Consequently, there was nothing to do. He had to get away!
“But where to go?” thought Bret flicking through the pages of the holiday brochures “…Maybe Iran” he thought thinking of all the people he could kill just for fun. Then it dawned on him that the place he really wanted to go would be the place where he could kick the most arse!
“Laxative Isle!” he cried “I’ll go and wipe out the Lizard Leader and his Lizard Army!”
So Bret the sadistic Bastard set about making his way to Laxative Isle…the secret hideout of the evil Lizard empire…
…Later on a commercial plane destined for the secretive island, Bret sat reading the latest issue of “Guns and Chicks“. He had started to fall asleep when the stewardess asked him if he wanted cheap sex in the galley. Bret looked up to see a familiar face…it was his 16th wife.
“Hi Bret do you remember the good times?” asked Tracy (bitch) Bret the Bigamist Bastard’s 16th wife (and quite possibly the best looking one)
“…..er……….of course” said Bret trying to remember her name.
“Well I don’t!!!! You deceitful scum-sucking premature ejaculator…why don’t you GET THE FUCK OFF MY PLANE!!!”
Bret was dumbstruck, he decided to do the only manly thing in this situation – run away and hide in the toilet.
A little while later Bret peered out of the toilet to see if the coast was clear. Unfortunately he didn’t notice Tracy who grabbed his arm and decked him.
“I’ll teach you to cheat on me!!” she cried as she opened the pressurized door and flung Bret out into the air…(you just can’t get the staff these days)
…Much later Bret awoke to find himself washed up on a beach with several crabs clinging to his body.
“Where am I?” he thought to himself “…and how did I get here?”
As he was trying to answer these questions he suddenly became aware of the fact that he had an acute pain in his gonads.
“aaaarrrrrrggghhhhh!!!!! get off you bastard crab!” shouted Bret the slightly bewildered and increasingly agitated Bastard…unaware that he was about to be shot dead……deader than a man’s penis that has been forced to endure over 500 sex sessions with an extremely horny heffer!
Finally, after he had wrestled with the crab, he got up and looked around….then a gunshot rang out from the jungle and Bret fell to the ground like a Jew who has just realised that circumcision is not a mathematical term and promptly kicked the bucket!
OH NO! …IS THIS THE END FOR OUR HERO? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT THRILLING EPISODE…