Brets Journals

When we left our hero he had just been killed. Now normally this would mean the end of the series…..But no! By popular demand the series will now be continued by trying to explain why and how Bret the exceedingly dead Bastard could come back to life, even though in real life it is not possible…

For the second time that day Bret awoke. (or as much as you can be awake when you are dead) It was cold. He opened his eyes to see a vast golden castle in a sea of fire.

“Hmmmm……this doesn’t look like it did in the brochure” Bret thought to himself as he started to walk towards the castle. As he did so he noticed a man walking past. Now normally a man would not even affect Bret’s concentration but this man had his head hung low. But this was not the reason why Bret noticed him …the man was wearing normal clothes but had a pair of old trainers on where quite obviously a pair of walking boots should be…”What a fool!” thought Bret to himself.

….Anyway as Bret approached the gates of the castle he noticed a large sign which read….

“YOU ARE IN HELL, THIS IS PANDEMONIUM ANYONE PASSING HERE MUST BE OF SUFFICIENT EVILNESS OR THEY WILL BE SEVERELY PUNISHED!!!!!“

Bret pushed open the doors and preceded into the vast gold castle. He was approached by a fearsome looking demon with a strangely unimposing manner.

“Excuse me , er…if you don’t mind would you care to let me know…if you don’t find it offensive or anything…unless it’s against your culture…or your religion…to tell me in no necessary manner what your designation…or…name as you might call it is?….If of course you don’t mind and the question doesn’t make you wish to tear out my eyelids and make me comb my pubic hair with them…..”

“I’m Bret the Bastard, who are you?”

“Well who I am is not important, but who you are is vitally important because you see you are in hell and that means you must have done something wrong. Now if you don’t recall what that was you must go to Moloch who can tell you your disgusting crime in the full…that is if you don’t mind Mr. Bastard…er…sir”

Bret the highly agitated bastard left the cringing demon and headed towards Moloch’s office, which was luckily well signposted. (Even in Hell the local council loves putting up signs)

“Are you Moloch?” Bret asked the demon who was just finishing off his lunch of a McDonalds Rancid chicken sandwich.

“Yep!” answered Moloch

“You goddamn well look at me when your speaking to me you sad excuse for a demon!” shouted Bret the Authoritative Bastard spitting on Moloch’s face as the demon looked up.

“I beg your pardo…..”

“Don’t you say anything you sad baby eating sea demon with absolutely no dress sense…I mean white trainers…you sad bastard……why don’t you fuck off and call a grand meeting of your demons so I can kick all your asses.”

“..er….ok” Said Moloch sheepishly.

Much later in the grand hall of Pandemonium, Satan stood talking to his demon chiefs.

“He said what!…We’ll see about this Mr. Bastard…He seems like he’s all talk to me!” said Satan.

As Bret entered the great hall an eerie silence overcame all of the demons. Satan stood ready to speak. A demon stepped out in front of Bret and was swiftly disabled with a quick knee in the hacky sacks (yeah I know it’s from Red Dwarf but I don’t care!).

“Bret. t. Bastard you dare show your face in hell!” barked Satan, “I cannot believe a man such as yourself can even begin to belong in Hell let alone dare to face me, the Great Lord of Darkness, when everybody knows that I have the biggest penis extension in the entire universe.”

“Shut up, faggot” shouted Bret “I don’t know how I got here and I don’t much care but if you don’t let me back to the real world you’ll be sorry!”

“Oh yeah and what could you possibly do to hurt us?” scoffed Satan.

“I know all of the lyrics to all of the Saxon songs ever and I can play all of the saddest rock and roll songs with exactly the same boogie rhythm as Johnny B. Goode”

“er…ok…please don’t do that” appealed Satan with a shiver, “What do you want?”

“I want outta here!”

“Well, that might be difficult because you are dead. Not only that, but you must also must have done something very bad in your life otherwise you wouldn’t be here. Can you remember anything bad that you have done in your life?”

Bret though to himself for a moment about his life thus far. How he had shagged a dead woman and then sold her body to McDonalds, how he had killed three of his ex-wives and had cheated on the fifth with over 324 other women. He also remembered the time that he killed his neighbours dog and had blamed it on his younger brother who had been executed for it. Also the time that he stole all of the shit off Britain’s roads and how he had blamed it on Hugo A Go Go…

“Can’t think of anything off the top of my head” answered Bret.

“Well, I’m sure Moloch can tell us” said Satan calling Moloch forward.

“Bret t. Bastard is here because he died in the middle of his latest episode!” read Moloch from the “Its A Fact” book.

“Ohhh yeah!!” said Bret the slightly amused Bastard “and how the hell (no pun intended) am I supposed to rectify that situation when I’m dead…eh?”

“Well through the wonders of modern technology we have ourselves a time machine which you may use, but if you fail we will have your soul… bwahahahahahahaahahahahaha!!!!” cried Satan laughing at his incredibly unfunny joke.

“Ok …but I’ll need some kind of weapon” said Bret thinking…then he had an idea!

Much later, after working out how to bend the space time continuum, Bret found himself back in the real world in the jungle. He looked at his watch. It was ten minutes before he was about to be killed. He didn’t have much time! After running the length of the island Bret came to the beach and saw himself lying in the surf. He looked around and caught a glimpse of the sniper in the bushes. It was time to act!

The sniper raised his weapon…

“THWUMP!!!!”

…Bret whacked the sniper with Satan’s penis causing the sniper to keel over. Bret grabbed the sniper and was amazed to find it was in fact Hitler!

“What the Fuck are you doing here?” shouted Bret

“Oh Shite!” cried Hitler

“Well you’re not going to be around for long!” said Bret as he battered Hitler to death with Satan’s penis. Then he promptly disappeared into thin air. (Bret, not Hitler)

…Bret awoke to find himself on a beach

“That was the strangest dream ever” thought Bret to himself as he pulled himself to his feet, “….now where the hell am I?”

…He looked around and found a convenient sign which read…

“MAD EVIL INCESTUOUS DICTATOR’S ISLE….THE SECRET HIDEAWAY FOR ALL OF THOSE DICTATORS WISHING TO GET AWAY FROM THE PEOPLE WISHING TO KILL THEM“

“This could be a good holiday after all” thought Bret as he walked into the jungle noticing an extremely battered man who looked just like Hitler.

“Anyone would think he had been battered to death with a giant penis!” thought Bret as he walked on into the jungle and endless pleasure…

THE END

Bret Returns In Guts And Gory Details