Guts And Gory Details
It was a bright sunny day as Bret awoke to find the light summer breeze coasting through his room.
“Ahhhhh…what a beautiful morning” he thought to himself even though it was in fact 15:47 in the afternoon.
“I think I’ll go and play in the park seeing as business is slow and the weather is so nice” he thought as he tried to get up. However he found he could not get up. Life was not feeling kind today. Bret looked down to find what the problem was and was faced with a waistline that could even have given John Prescott a run for his money(…but….not very much running!!!!).
“What happened to my gut?!!” cried Bret the fat Bastard attempting to roll over on his front.
“How the fuck did I get this fat?”
Then suddenly it all came back to him…..(wavy shimmering kind of flashbacky effect). He had gone to the pub the night before and had had a few jars with the lads. After drinking straight from the bar taps constantly for 3 hours he finally got up for a short break to go to the toilet. Then while he was in the toilet the Barman offered him the chance to sample something extra special that he had…
… after beating the shit out of the Barman Bret finally realised that he wasn’t a faggot. The Barman (who incidentally Bret had never seen before but was sure he knew him) said to Bret that this was the opportunity of a lifetime…to try the greatest alcoholic drink of all time.
“No-one can resist it’s ability to completely overpower the mind!” explained the Barman. Being a man who can’t resist a challenge Bret said that he would like to try it. The Barman then brought out a can of his special brew.
“I call it Tafs’drazil brew” said the Barman.
Bret took the can and gulped down the golden liquid.
“I don’t feel a thing!” retorted Bret the bullshitting Bastard while gazing at the man who now looked incredibly familiar, except for the fact that there now seemed to be many more of him and his numbers were increasing rapidly.
“Oh and by the way it may have some side effects” said the Barman.
“What side effects?” said Bret struggling to keep the man in focus.
“Well it’s only really been tested on one other person, a politician!”
“WHAT!!!” shouted Bret losing consciousness…….(wavy kind of flashbacky effect backwards)
…So that was it, the side effect was an incredibly large beer belly, a bad attitude coupled with a short temper and a fixation with women who aren’t even remotely interested in you.
Bret finally managed to heave himself onto his feet. Then he bounced downstairs and tripped managing to destroy much of his IKEA (oh well) furniture and then promptly careered through the front door and down the road. When finally he reached a halt he found himself in the park.
“Lucky” he thought “Just where I wanted to go”
Then suddenly he was surrounded by lizards.
“Ha! if it isn’t Bret the Fat Bastard” said Lizard1 copying the author’s joke and finding his own useless attempt at humour funny.
“I’ll get you!” shouted Bret getting to his feet and making a mad waddle for Lizard 1 …then falling flat, or rather round, on his belly.
“You can’t hurt us” said Lizard 12 “You can’t even stand up!”
…Then another voice was to be heard…
“So Bret the Bastard is no more the king of the castle. He is just the big, fat, rascal. We the lizards now have control. Bret cannot even tie his own shoelaces. We have won!”
It was the lizard leader, he was alive, but how?
“How is it that you are still alive?” asked Bret
“Well you would be surprised what they can do with DNA Technology these days” (well they get away with it in Star Trek all the time)
“I can still get you, remember I can quote “Take That” songs! word for word” shouted Bret the fat but ever resourceful and most definitely still a Bastard.
“What’s that you say?” said the Lizard leader” I have my patented Take That protectors in my ears and I can’t hear a word that you say…we will leave you now to slowly die as the bastard children of Cove one by one come and kick their new football… bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha !!!!!!!!!! (all lizards seem to have no real sense of humour and definitely no joke telling skills)
……..Oh no! is this the end for our hero is he to be the butt of everyone’s joke, the fat ball of the footballer, the Goodyear blimp , wait and see in the next thrilling episode………