Brets Journals

When we left our heavily bloated hero he was at the mercy of the sadistic psycho children of Cove green. Being a human push ball it was obvious that Bret didn’t stand a chance. How could our hero escape? Lets find out!

“If I can just reach that see-saw” thought Bret to himself as he was strained to reach said see-saw while being kicked by over a hundred blood crazed infants. Then as luck would have it, the sounds of Slayer’s greatest hits drifted over the airways from a passing ice cream van. All of the children suddenly forgot about kicking Bret to death and ran for the van…

The Ice-Cream man greeted the children with his usual kindly words.

“Get away from me you little Fuckers or I’ll chop you up and serve you as strawberry surprise!!!”

However the distraction had given Bret the time he needed to get to the see-saw and propel himself over the fence and along the road. The Ice-cream man was still giving the children his well thought of and helpful advice.

“I’ll kill you all you little Brats, FUCK OFF! Or I’ll get Santa to give you a stocking full of ‘Kick the shit out of you!!‘….why you little…”

Bret was now safely on the way home. Using some skillful lamppost manipulation he managed to arrive at his door with only sore pride and a sore gut. He looked at himself in the mirror.

“I’m a big fat man!…how can I even dare to keep myself alive. I am such a sad depressing wanker” he sobbed, “…and yet I must stay alive so that I may rid the world of Lizards once again!”

Bret waddled over to his sofa and just managed to squeeze his big fat arse into the five seated monster. Then he tried to think of a way to heal himself of this Big-haired-testicle-sized-belly problem (Just remember the phrase “Big Hair, Big Bollocks“) . Finally it came to him. He must seek out the other guinea pig and search for a cure. Bret set off on his voyage of discovery. After asking about Big Fat men in many bars (at great personal risk) he was finally pointed in the right direction. He found himself in Westminster outside the house of the man who had suffered the same fate as he.

After being let in and having Bob’s (the names have been changed to protect the fat) story told to him in full he was still no nearer to solving his problem (but he was bored shitless)…and time was running out! Then something about Bob gave Bret an idea!

Much later back at Bret’s house he set about his plan. (Montage Moment!)

He knew that the only way to rid himself of the weight was obviously to become the thing that Bob reminded him of.

After spending more than 200 billions worth of 35 calories (see bottom of story if you do not understand). Bret found himself to be in perfect shape (apart from a very sore penis and a dislocated arm).

“Now there is only the Lizards to deal with” he thought to himself, “What could I possibly do to them….?!”

…Later in the Lizards secret hideout Lizard leader was shooting off his mouth as usual….

“LIZARDS IT IS NOW THAT WE MAY CONQUER THE EARTH, WE THE LIZARD KIND HAVE LIVED IN SQUALID CONDITIONS FOR TOO LONG ,WE NOW DEMAND THE THINGS THAT WE WANT. FREE FOOD, FREE WOMEN AND FREE BEER. (So a bit studentish really) TO THIS END I PROPOSE A TOAST…TO LOTS OF KILLING, LOTS OF SEX AND LOTS OF FOOD AND ALCOHOL!!!!…AND MAY BRET THE FAT BASTARD GET WHAT HE DESERVES…

BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA etc…

(the lizards still not being able to make their own jokes up)!

All of the lizards raised their glasses and drank heartily. (I bet you all think you know what’s going to happen next don’t you?)

…Then Bret burst in the window with a mini gun (ha! didn’t expect that did ya!) and opened fire……TAKKA, TAKKA etc…(well you try and write the sound a mini gun makes when it goes off)

Lizard 1: Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh!

Lizard2: Aaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee….again!

Lizard3: Floooooooooaaaaaarrrrrrrrrr….again!

Lizard4: Ditto!!

Lizard5: Don’t you just hate it when you don’t have any good last words?…..aaaarrrgghhhhhh!!!

Lizard6: Yeah ok we get the picture now people…we’re dying ok somebody sort the overzealous author out.

Author: Hrotch!!

(after the author had recovered from his fatal wound and the even more fatal clichéd bad joke he decided to write the rest of the story)

When he had finally finished off all of the remaining lizards Bret the trigger-happy Bastard left for home, making sure to kick off the heads and spit on the corpses of the lizards as he did so.

“Another job well done!” thought Bret to himself, “I think I’ll go and kick the shit out of those psycho children to get this excess aggression out of my body and burn a few more calories!”

THE END

Bret Returns In Attack of the Evil Clowns

Authors note: To spend 35 calories is a euphemism for having a wank. The reason why is because the average wank will burn 35 calories. Alegedly. However I have no idea who worked this out or who did all of the testing!