Bret Strikes Back!
It was a dark evening and Bret the Bastard was relaxing in his office, taking into account that relaxing for Bret was stabbing a picture of his ex-girlfriend. It didn’t seem to help. He wondered if he would be less stressed out if he was actually stabbing her…anyway he decided to write another chapter of his life story (which was titled “Me and why I am so Great! by Bret the most arrogant Bastard”). It was a moving tale of killing mutant Lizards and having sex with as many women (chicks) as possible. Bret had worked hard perfecting his writing style.
At that moment there was a knock at the door. Bret looked up to see a tall woman in front of him. She was some looker, he wondered if she had looked up his ad in “Studs Anonymous“.
“Are you Mr. B.t.Bastard?”, she asked in a seductive brummie accent. (???!!!)
“That’s Me!”, replied Mr. Bastard
“I have something for you” she crooned as she started reaching towards her bra.
“Cooooooooooeeeeelllll!!!” exclaimed Bret the smutty Bastard. Suddenly the lights went out, then there was a the sound of gunshot. When Bret finally got to the fuse box and turned the lights back on it was too late. She was dead.
“How could this have happened?” he thought. However he soon realised he had other problems to deal when he found himself looking directly down the barrel of a gun (yeeeaaaahhhhh!!! somebody gets stabbed…er ok…authors note: unless you know what I’m talkin’ about forget this bracket)
Bret was beginning to realise that things were not exactly normal around his office today.
“Get up!” said the new woman behind the gun. Bret wasn’t exactly sure why as he was already standing up.
“Now Bret, I have something better for you” whispered the woman, “I have a present from the boss” she said handing Bret an envelope. Bret quickly opened the envelope noticing that the woman had neglected to put bullets in the gun. Inside was a card. It read:
“Bret, if you are reading this it means that you will soon be dead. I have instructed my minion to torture you to death by forcing you to have sex until you die!!!!!!
“Well, today is looking up already” thought Bret the dirty Bastard as the woman opened her over coat to expose her naked body…
…she then peeled her skin off revealing the incredibly seductive (everything is relative right?) Mrs. Lizard Leader
“Oh Bret, I’ve loved you since the moment I set eyes upon you. Come here and give me a kiss…mwa…mwa…”
Bret the scared shitless Bastard screamed a blood curdling scream that could have woken the dead. Except for the fact that it didn’t, because if it had, the dead woman lying on the floor of his office would now be alive. (Don’t writers talk a lot of rubbish?) anyway Bret screamed loudly (God that’s so boring!)