Bastard In The Family
It had been some time since the accident that Bret decided to continue with his career…. did I say some time I meant that it was some accident that Bret decided to continue his career. He had had a long pause in the fighting crime lark, due to the fact that he had lost complete interest in his own job and perhaps more importantly he just wasn’t being paid enough! However if only to re-kindle the dying flame of an old character he was about to be pushed very much into the limelight.
It was the middle of Autumn and Bret was strolling through the park as the browning leaves swept past him propelled by the slightly chilled October breeze, kind of like that Johnny Hates Jazz video for Turn Back the Clock except not nearly as shit and well, lets face it if you could remember that Johnny Hates Jazz video or even that the band existed you would be quite possibly the saddest sack of shit around. (guess you all remember it!). Anyway lets cut the crap and get on with the story….
There were leaves, there were trees and there was Bret, but not the Bret of old. Bret looked haggard he had the equivalent of a small rainforest growing on his face…. Oh and hadn’t shaved either. His eyes were sunken in and his clothes were ragged. He was a mess. (why is this you ask yourselves?) Bret had suffered the worst torment of all, the ultimate penalty for being the decadent human being that he was, he was to pay the price of living life to the biggest bastardized tower of nachos! But what could do this to a man of Bret’s caliber…….
Bret’s Mother had come to stay!
It had all happened so fast….he had woken up on Saturday and realised that he had slept the last six months away. Now this on its own wouldn’t be much of a surprise except for the fact that he had woken up with his head down the toilet, (not much of a surprise you might think) but you may be surprised to find out that his arms torso and legs and in fact the rest of his body were also trapped in the toilet bowl.
“Arrrrrrrrggghhhh!” shouted Bret disgusted with his own unimaginative use of screams.
“How the hell did I get in this toilet ” thought Bret (well you would wouldn’t you!)
Just then he heard a cry from downstairs.
“Fliiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttaaaaabbbbbuuuuurrrrrruuuuuuunggnggngngngnnggg!”
“That bastards got much better screams than me” thought Bret “its not fair!”
Just then someone came running up the stairs. Bret felt his ankles being pulled but to no avail.
“Bret, you ok?” asked the familiar voice of Blow up Banana Boy.
“Do I look ok?” said Bret the sarcastic Bastard.
“Well your arse is still as fat and disgusting…….so I figured you must be sorta ok!”
“Thanks a lot ……now help me out”
…..Much later after many failed attempts Blow up Banana boy tied a rope around Bret’s legs and attached it to a piano which was on the edge of the window. He kicked the piano and it went hurtling down to the floor….
THHHHHHWWWWUUMPCRUNCHskwish!
Bret was catapulted out of the toilet and on to the floor. Luckily the piano didn’t pull him out of the window…..(how lucky can one man be?)
“What the hell were you doing in the toilet anyway?” asked Blow up Banana Boy.
“That’s a good question” said Bret “its just a shame that I don’t have a whales penis of an idea….hang on……..what was that scream from downstairs all about?”
“Oh that….that was just my new girlfriend laughing”
“Your new girlfriend?”
“Yeah I told you about her!”
“You did?”
“Yeah…..er……well maybe for the sake of those people who don’t know we should recap the story….”
Shimmery wavey flashbacky kind of effect….
A couple of weeks ago I was…..
“Oh no ……
Shimmery wavey flashbacky kind of effect….
“…..we are already in a flashback so I’m not having a second one now you’ll just have to say you met her somewhere interesting or something so we can get on with the story!”
“……er….ok ….I….er…….met…..this girl in a …….a……….a……castration clinic.”
“What the hell was she doing there?”
“Castrating”
“I really don’t want to know any more….”
Bret got up walked downstairs. He had the sneaking suspicion something wasn’t right, perhaps it was something he had eaten. He arrived in the kitchen only to find that there was a letter on the table for him. It read
“Bret, Istopamstopcomingstoptostopseestopyoustop
Makestopsurestopyoustophavestopwashedstopbehindstopyourstopearsstop”
“How strange!” thought Bret “why use stops in a hand written letter ?”
Just then Blow up Banana Boy rushed down stairs.
“There’s a limousine coming to the house!….who do you think it is?”
“I have no idea!” said Bret
The limousine pulled up beside the piano and the door opened. The most gorgeous woman stepped out. Bret and Blow up Banana Boy were speechless.
“Have you two seen a little dog around here……I was sure I saw him he came a runnin’ down here must a been that crazy dog howl I heard earlier. I’d be very grateful to anyone who could find him for me……VERY grateful!”
She stared seductively at Bret.
“Uh…. I haven’t seen your dog but rest assured we will do what ever wee can to save him!” said Bret
“Oh thank you I know I can leave this in your capable hands my your forearms do look strong!”
“You should see my arse hole! I had problems with the consistency of my shit…it used to be all runny and stuff made my arse really sore but it made me toughen up …..I could shit a brick and not feel a thing!” said Blow up Banana Boy”…..in fact there was this one time I ate a whole building and ….”
Bret kicked Blow up Banana Boy in the nads.
“whuummpf!”
“er….well thank you boys….I’ll…..leave it in your hands….”
……The lady got back into the limousine and drove off.
“What did you do that for?”
“You don’t tell people about the consistency of your shit…it’s not right and anyway you’ve got a girlfriend!”
“Did have a girlfriend!”
“Did?”
“Yeah she was laughing at me because I was wearing my waterproof trousers!”
“Oh………”
They were just about to go inside when Bret noticed something under the piano…..it was the poodle (either that or it was Brian May!).
“Oh no what are we going to do now?”
Just then another car drove up……..
“Oh no it couldn’t be….”
“What?”
“No please…..what have I done to deserve this?……apart from getting my brother killed by Stalin electrocuting Danny Baker and sending my sister who looks like me with long hair to another dimension with a horny alien”
“What?”
“Nooooooo!”
“WHAT?”
“IT’S MY MOTHER!!!!!!”
“Hello Bretty!…how are you my love?” asked Bret’s Mum.
Bret lost consciousness.
Oh no is this the end for our hero or just the beginning of another tedious BBC sitcom. Will Bret recover? Will Banana Boy ever pull while wearing his waterproof trousers and what is the consistency of his turd right now? Has Brian May been killed by a piano and who cares? Find out in the next installment……