The clock struck twelve as Bret the Bastard was finishing his morning’s television watching. Before he could get down to the serious business of the afternoon and evening television watching there was a call on the Bastard Phone. Bret went to see who it was.
“Hello Bastard’s Residence”
“Bret, this is Police Chief Incontinence, I have a problem”
“I can tell!” said Bret
“No, not that, another problem. There is something going down at the fairground!”
“I’ll be there right away!” said Bret slamming the phone down and making a mad dash for the Bastard mobile.
At the fairground there was a gang of crazy queer clowns who had gone psycho! Bret ran in and dealt with the situation in his own special way.
“Right, the next one who acts mad is bent!”
The clowns stopped what they were doing for an instant. Then when they realised that they were all bent anyway, carried on what they were doing. Bret ran up to the first clown and embedded his boot firmly in the clowns head. He fell to the ground and started to cry. None of this fake tears crap. The rest of the clowns saw what had happened and they all charged for Bret with anything they could get their hands on. Bret, surprised that his actions could have possibly caused any reaction, was overpowered by the psycho clowns and was brought to the ground by a clown who hit him with a bunch off water squirting flowers.
“Aaaargghhhh! not the water squirting flowers joke” cried Bret. He was knocked out cold by the incredibly overused and underfunny circus prop. Then a clown stepped forward from the circus, he was dressed more stupidly and had a very big pair of baggy trousers at his disposal.
“Fellow clowns, we have remained happy for long enough, now it is time to show the world how sad we really are by disposing of Bret the Bastard. I your leader, MR. CLOWN, command you to play pin the tail in the donkey.”
Bret regained consciousness to hear these words and was struck with fear. Pin the tail in the donkey was the infamous term for buggery!
“GET YOUR HANDS OF HIM YOU DISGUSTING TURD BURGLARS!!” shouted a voice from the crowd.
“Who dares challenge us?” questioned Mr. Clown.
Suddenly a man pushed through the crowd. Leaping towards the clowns he extended his arm to reveal an inflatable banana. Then taking his banana he whacked Clown 6 from his perch and then preceded to untie Bret. Then Bret grabbed Clown 6 who was just recovering and used him to whack clowns 1 to 11 inclusive around the head until they all ran away.
“You may have escaped this time” said Mr. Clown “But there will be another time!” Then he ran out of the fairground.
“Thanks for the help back there!” said Bret.
“No problem” said the mysterious inflatable banana wielding man.
“Who are you?” asked Bret to the mysterious inflatable banana wielding man.
“I’m Blow up banana boy!” replied the man. “And I’m in the sidekick business. Need a sidekick do ya?”
“Ok!” said Bret almost immediately (obviously taking much careful consideration over his decision of hiring a man who goes around wielding an inflatable banana and who obviously had a screw loose.)
Then they both got into the Bastard mobile and drove back to Bret’s hideout.
Much later……
“There must be a pattern to all of these attacks that the Crazy Queer Clowns are making. If only we could find it” said Bret in desparation, looking at the map.
“Wait a minute Bret!” exclaimed Blow-up Banana Boy, “If we draw a line between all the points at which they have attacked we………can…….see……that………it…… makes……a………complete scribble……….er……….but if I close my eyes and then try to touch the map with my pen randomly we can see that their next target will be…holy skidmarked underwear Mr. B!! the Laundry house on third street!”
“Brilliant deduction Blow-up banana boy, you took the words right out of my mouth.” said Bret the Lying Bastard. “By the way what is your real name?”
“Oh you don’t really want to know” cagily replied Blow up Banana Boy. “You’ll just laugh. It was a name my parents gave to me, it was …er…you know…a really pansy name. Not as hard as Blow-Up Banana Boy!”
“Oh go on tell me!”
“No”
“Please!”
“NO”
“Pretty please with sugar on top!”
“NO!”
“Pretty please with sugar and a cherry”
“Look I’m not tellin’ ok”
“Right tell me or I’ll blow your head off with this mini gun!!” shouted Bret gesturing with the mini gun. (oddly enough)
“…ok, ok, my parents called me SLASHER!”
“I see” sniggered Bret
“I told you you’d laugh” said SLASHER! “Don’t tell ANYONE OK, you bastard.”
“Ok, ok, alright I won’t!” conceded Bret…a wry smile appearing on his face. (well where else would you expect a wry smile to appear ….eh?)
“To the laundry SLAS….er….Blow-up Banana boy!”