Brets Journals

When we left our gallant heroes they were on their way to the Laundry House of 3rd Street. After using a complex method of deduction Blow-up-banana boy had derived the next location that the Crazed clowns would attack. We now rejoin our heroes in their quest for justice.

“It’s been three weeks and still not a sign!” said Bret the Bastard. “Maybe you were wrong about the Laundry.”

“Remember, you said that this was the place as well!” replied Blow-up-banana boy.

“No I didn’t!”

“Yes you damn well did…you…wait who’s that?”

Bret and Blow-up-banana boy looked on to see a shifty looking man entering the laundry. They quickly made their way into the laundry to see the man rummaging around in his bag.

“You! Stop there! We know who you are!” commanded Bret

The man looked up paralysed with fear and ran screaming from the laundry. (not quite sure how you can be paralysed and then run but hey creative licence is great isn’t it?) Bret and Blow-up-banana boy charged out of the shop after him. (Chase scene) This man was fast he obviously had P.M.A. (P…..M……A..? Positive Mental Attitude of course!)

“You go that way and I’ll go the other” shouted Bret “And we’ll catch him in the middle”

They split up. Blow-up-banana boy followed the man as Bret cut away down a side road. Then Blow-up-banana boy had an idea. He reached into his pocket, grabbed his inflatable banana and threw it at the man. It bounced off his head and then hit a passing cyclist who promptly crashed into a car. The driver of which, faintly distressed after having a bike and then its rider pass right over the bonnet of his car, promptly screamed and swerved (yeah a bit late now after he’s gone over your car mate!) into a building causing its early demolition. Meanwhile Blow-up-banana boy retrieved his banana and tried a second attempt. Again he threw his banana and managed to hit a passing crow who promptly shat himself with fear. His bird turd (Wow I’m a poet and I know it!) then came shooting down and hit a builder in the eye just as he chose exactly the wrong time to look up. Subsequently this builder dropped his tools which inadvertently switched on the ball and chain basher. (well I can’t remember what they are called!) The ball swung out in front of the man Blow-up-banana boy was chasing. Blatantly aware of his immediate peril, the man promptly cacked his pants in the few milliseconds he had to wait for a giant heavy object to hit him full on. The ball carreered into him smashing him high into the air only to land in a dustcart. Just by coincidence this dustcart was then switched on and the man was put through the crusher. After dragging himself out of the crusher the man took two steps forward and was promptly run over by a derailed train that had come off of its tracks about a mile away.

(Anyone who has seen the last part of Con-Air will understand that suspending your disbelief is absolutely necessary in modern story appreciation)

About an hour later Bret and Blow-up-banana boy caught up with the man, who was now quite bruised (to say the least).

“Citizens arrest you gender bending bestial necro scumsucker!” shouted Bret grabbing the man’s arm and inadvertently breaking it in 30 places (well 32 to be exact).

“We have reason to believe that you are one of the notorious Crazy Queer Clowns!”

“Er….. Bret”

“You have the right to remain injured. If you give up that right then I will have to injure you some more…”

“BRET!”

“You have the right to shut the fuck up and let me kick the crap out of …….WHAT?”

“Look in his bag” said Blow-up-banana boy.

Bret looked in the man’s bag to find a pair of crotchless panties, tights,  some skid marked knickers and a whole bondage kit along with other assorted sordid items.

“Why did you run from us?” asked Bret to the man.

“I didn’t want you to see my stuff, I would have been the laughing stock of my constituency….” replied the man.

“I recognise this guy” said Blow-up-banana boy “He’s the local MP!”

“Oh dear…and your not involved with the Crazed Clowns gang?”

“er…..no….”

“er….right…..then er….we’ll just be going………..did you happen to catch our names?……no ..er…good…….come Chicken entrails lets get out of here!”

“But I’m not called…..er……Ok Bob the Sheepshagger lets go!”

The Dysfunctional Duo made a quick exit.

As they made their way home Bret decided to go to the Circle K and get some food.

“What do we do now?” said Blow-up-banana boy “Considering that we have damaged quite a lot of public property and we don’t have anything to show for it.”

“Go home and cry?” replied Bret as a horn honked loudly at the cash desk.

“Arrgh not the old Horn joke!” cried the shopkeeper as he fell to the floor from a fatal horn wound.

“Get the cash!” commanded Mr. Clown to Clown 3.

Bret and Blow-up-banana boy ducked behind the frozen food counter.

“Holy Genderbending Anal Apaches Mr.B….what shall we do?”

“Ok here’s my plan……….(whisper, whisper)……….”

Bret walked slowly to the counter…….

“Hey Mr. Clown!”

“Ahhhhh, Bret the Bastard” he sighed,” You are too late! We have completed our reign of terror and now we have enough money to travel around the world and show our terrible stage performance to everyone.”

“Ok, I guess you win, but before you kill me can I just tell one joke….”

“No! bwahahahahahahahaha!…well ok then! I’m a sucker for a good joke.”

“Right, well there was this Clown and he was a fucking wanker and he did lots of bad things…”

“I like him already”

“….yeah …well this clown forgot one thing.”

“What was that?”

“He forgot that Bret the Bastard always uses the old clichéd ways of cheating death and beating the bad guys….Eat boot you Colon Caressing Clown!”

Bret swung his boot and it firmly found a perch in Mr. Clown’s testicles

“@#[]!$%&****!!!!!” said Mr. Clown.

“Now Blow-up-banana boy!” shouted Bret as he dived for cover and plugged up his ears.

“My Dog has no nose” said Banana boy

“No nose….how does he smell?” replied Bret

“Awful!……..bwwwaaaahwaaaaahwwaaaaaa!”

“Aaargghhhhh! not the funniest joke in the world!!!!!” cried Mr.Clown “………….ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha……oh dear! my blood pressure is too low…..my heart has stopped….I’m going to die……. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha……..aarrgghhh!”

Mr Clown and the rest of the circus fell to the ground, dead as Dobin the pantomime horse.

“Well I guess that’s the end of the evil clowns!” said Blow-up-banana boy.

“Yeah time to watch some television!” replied Bret… “Lets get a taco”

Bret and Blow-up-banana boy left the Circle K and were just about to get into the Bastard Mobile when a Woman approached Bret.

“Are you Mr. B.t. Bastard?” she asked in an authoritative and yet soft and pleasing voice.

“Yes, that’s me!” said Bret the on the Pull Bastard.

“Well I have something for you!”

Bret couldn’t believe his luck, ridding the world of Evil clowns, being able to get away with destroying half the town and now he was being propositioned by an beautiful woman.

“Please give it to me!”

The woman reached inside her jacked and pulled out a piece of paper. She handed it to Bret.

“This is a summons for you to be in court Mr. Bastard for the wilful destruction of public property you are under arrest.”

“Well one out of three is better than a kick in the teeth” thought Bret to himself.

Just then the woman karate kicked Bret in the teeth.

“What was that for!” said an extremely pissed off Bret.

“That’s for breaking my husband’s arm in 30 places”

“It was 32 exactly”

THUWUMP!

“Ouch!”

THE END

Bret Returns in Taming of the Bastard