Money, it’s the thing everybody needs to get stuff. Its what you need to have to set up the places to sell things for people who want stuff. It’s the thing that runs the big buildings that have cash machines built into the walls that feed out money and debt to those people who need to set up shops so that people who need to need stuff can go in and spend their money buying stuff. Basically you're fucked unless you've got some and someone we know didn't....

Bret was hungry and was looking to get food in Hungry Jacks. (That’s Burger King to you and I) Unfortunately Bret had no money. He thought of kicking a passing surfer in the head in order to get one but couldn't find one, owing to the fact that he was in the middle of the city.

"If only Blow-up-banana Boy were here" he thought, "Then I could use his money....hang on I always use his money. I suppose letting him get taken away by that mad Aussie convicts daughter was a bit of a stupid thing to do really."

Bret had a way of noticing things that others didn't. (or do I mean that anyone in the whole world would notice except him even if his life depended on it...we'll never know will we?)

Just then a car pulled out in front of him. Well I would say in front of him except it was really more like a car drove headlong into him.

"Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!" shouted Bret the stunned and confused Bastard as he was bounced through the air and onto another cars bonnet and then off again.

"Fucking Tourists!" shouted Bret.

Out of the car jumped two men dressed in black with sunglasses on (I could mention the its "dark and we're wearing sunglasses" line but I won't...oh I just did....oh sod it)

Bret was just a bit ticked off. He jumped up off of the fat bloke that had cushioned his fall and preceded to roundhouse kick the first man in black to the floor. He was surprised to notice that as he did so everything froze and made it look that much cooler. His freeze-frame cheeky grin (some would call it maniacal ) could be seen smiling widely as his foot connected with the guys chin and then time sped up again and the man was sent spinning backwards in a Hollywood punch up kind of a way that exaggerates everything. (But then if it didn't it wouldn't be any fun would it?)

The second man turned to face him and smiled as Bret gracefully floated to the floor.

"We've been waiting for you Missssteerr T. Bastard" he said in a slightly camp I'm not sure that I can remember how to pronounce words properly kind of a way.

"Who are you? Not one of my wife's lawyers I hope..." said Bret. (More afraid of that then not knowing the future)

"I, am, your future. Mankind is a disease that makes me want to puke up my guts and then stamp on them before I eat them again in a bad guy kind of a way!"

"So you've been to Totland in Farnborough then" said Bret.

"Where is the Boy?" asked the man in black...oh ok the Agent (and if you don't get this link then where have you been for the past 3 years?)

"...The Boy? do you mean Blow-up-banana boy?" asked Bret wondering why this pointless line of dialogue had been written.

"Of, Course, I, Do...and it pains me to exist in this putrid husk of a thing so if you be so good as to tell me quickly or I will have to try to appear more menacing in a kind "I've shit in my trousers" kind of a way. You wouldn't want that would you?" said the Agent.

"Well, I certainly don't want you to have crapped your pants that's true..." said Bret, "Imagine your embarrassment when I kick yo' ass!...and I don't want to get shit on my shoe and be a shitty shoe bastard, that would never do."

"So tell me where he is?" demanded the Agent.

"Why do you want him?" asked Bret

"Why do you want to know?" asked the Agent.

"Why do you want to know why I want to know what you want with him?" asked Bret.

"Why do you want to know why I want to know why you want to know what I want with him? asked the Agent.

"...er, you mean apart from the fact that it was quite amusing for me to say those last 4 lines?"

"YES!"

"I would have thought it was fucking obvious you twat. I want to know why you want him because we are trying to forward the story here not arse about with totally pointless dialogue and throw away lines about crapping your pants...which are actually staring to smell...so I'LL ASK YOU AGAIN! WHY DO YOU WANT HIM!" retorted Bret (Well it's not much of a retort I'll grant you but it was faintly amusing.)

The Agent sighed.

"I want him because he is the One."

"The One what?

"You wouldn't understand..."

"You are probably right...right now I don't think I or anyone else reading this cares. So I'll ask you another question before I decide that I will show you where you can find him in a true comic book twist of fate....what's your name?

"Agent Smith"

"Agent Smith?...is Agent your first name?"

"...er yes actually it is...."

"...er...ok, so what's your middle name?"

"Black"

"Let me get this straight...your name is Agent Black Smith....man that is lame."

"What do you expect? I'm a computer generated character...I'm not a gun toting chick with huge balloon breasts and a silly name like Clara Loft (you never know I might get sued...)am I, you think a computer geek is gonna come up with a good name for a bloke in a black suit who can't appear to speak correctly? No, I didn't think so. He's too busy thinking about a make believe woman who he might one day get to be able to do it with if he lives long enough for technology to make robo-ho's"

"Ok....."

"Right come on then lets go find your partner so we can get the rest of this story over with shall we?"

"He's not my partner, that makes us sound so gay! He's my sidekick ok!"

"..fine!"

And with that Bret got into the car with the Agent and drove off down the road.

What a bizarre twist of fate for Bret and BUBB (That's Blow-up-banana boy for those of you who don't understand acronyms). Well, we'll find out what's going to happen in the next exciting instalment of Bret's Journals...

Continued in Rumbles Down Under Part III.......