Its not easy being a super hero, a general all round nice guy, a man who knows how to get things done and goes out and gets them done so that ordinary people can live their boring drab existence in relative peace and kill themselves in their own tragic ways...Bret was not a super hero or a nice guy, he was just a sad git who thought he was something better. But now, now he had a bigger problem than he had ever faced before. He was about to become a son...again. Except not the son of just anyone. He was going to become the step-step-son of Chris Evans! I don't think anyone should be put through that sort of pain. Anyway on with the story...

"Mum, how can you consider marrying HIM" shouted Bret.

"He's really nice when you get to know him" said Bret's Mum.

"No he isn't, you just think he'll get nicer if you get to know him, but there isn't anything nice in there to get to know...do you think you are the first to make that mistake...why do women always think that we are all uncut diamonds or something....some people are never meant to escape from the womb and he's one of them!"

"He told me he'll change"

"In to what? When is this marriage taking place anyway?"

"...Well, in about 3 minutes."

"WHAT!.....there's not enough time"

"Perhaps I can say something" said Chris Evans.

"Shut the fuck up you ginger wanker!" said Bret planting a boot in Chris' less than significant genitals.

"If you talk again I'll...."

Just then there was a knock at the door.

"I'll get it" said Blow-up-banana-boy.

He walked around to the front of the house and was surprised to see Anita Dobson.

"Can I help you?" he asked.

"...er I hope so, I appear to have lost my husband, I'm sure he was around here somewhere." said Anita.

"Your husband.... you mean Bryan May? the best guitarist in the world! "(for those of you who didn't know that Anita Dobson was married to Bryan May)

"Yeah, so what?"

"Nothing...er if you don't mind me asking....why doesn't he get a hair cut? He looks like a poodle."

"I think it looks fine!" said Anita while brushing her poodle perm hair.

"...er ok....well I haven't seen him" said Blow-up Banana-boy remembering the clump of poodle hair from underneath the piano outside the house. (look I'm not going to recap all of the previous story so you'll just have to look back a few pages ok!)

Suddenly there was a scream from the back of the house.

"wwwwwwwerteurituyidvnkdsjfdsjfbvksdfbvkfbvkbfvfbverrrrrrrrrkk!"
(well that was more or a typing error but nevertheless)

Both Anita Dobson and Blow-up-banana-boy ran to the back garden. They were both amazed to behold the situation. Chris Evans was lying on the floor screaming....with a poodle in his crotch....with its jaws around his crotch to be precise. Bret was laughing and Bret's Mum was crying. 

"What happened?" asked Blow-up-banana-boy.

"I was trying to talk Mum around and then from no-where jumped this poodle and it just grabbed his gonads ....with its teeth.....hey this means that that good looking chick can have her Dog back which means that it was Bryan May under that Piano you threw out of our window....cool I might get laid...Ow!"

Anita slapped Bret while still having time to head-butt Blow-up-banana-boy.

"Bastards...now who else will tell me my hair looks wonderful!" she shouted as she ran away sobbing.

"I cannot marry you now Chris....I'm sorry," said Bret's Mum "How could I marry a man with no balls?"

"...But you were going to do that anyway" said Bret.

"hmpft" sobbed Chris.

"....there, there Mrs. Bastard...its not so bad...you could have wanted to marry Danny Baker!" said Blow-up-banana-boy.

"...oh shut the fuck up you wanka!....and why the hell are you wearing those waterproof trousers you look like an idiot!...of course you realise Bret, that I will need to stay here a while to be consoled...and I expect to be waited on hand and foot....and...."

"....maybe we can still save Chris.." said Bret.

There was the sound of a car pulling up out the front and then the woman who owned the dog came walking around the back.

"You found him...oh you are wonderful...and you found my annoying ginger wanker of a husband as well. Well one out of two isn't bad.....how can I ever repay you?" she said.

"...er ...I can think of many ways" said Bret.

"Well that was a merry little chase wasn't it...I think the moral of this story should be Don't be nasty to small dogs, don't let your Mum marry Chris Evans and don't tell Anita Dobson you just killed her husband!" said Blow-up-banana-boy.

"What do you think this is....some kind of kiddies cartoon show...we don't have to have a moral you know in fact we should have an amoral.....like  If you can get away with it it must be ok!" said Bret.

"Right, both of you are to go straight to your room with no dinner" commanded  Bret's Mother. "...you are grounded for 20 years!"

"I wish I had never woken up this morning!" said Bret the give me some sympathy I woke up with my head in a toilet Bastard.

"Never mind" said Blow-up-banana-boy "I'll show you my shit consistency chart if you like?"

"...I can hardly wait" said Bret.

THE END