When we left our hero he was in the clutches of the worlds most boring man "Julian Faggbotilopotomus". Although some of you might think that this name is just a mite extravagant.....but who cares. Anyway he had just exploded out of an envelope while being in disguise. Not the sort of thing you do everyday if you are a boring bastard...however this was no ordinary day! Today Bret had been commissioned to protect Julian from the "Horribly Violent Gang" and their evil Boss "King Kriscruchio the third". Any of you who think that these names are stupid or extravagant obviously don't have funny bones in your bodies. Right well anyway the story continues ......

"So what are we going to do?" asked Julian

"Shut up!" replied Bret who was making the most of scraping the last pieces of dog turd from the bottom of his shoe. He was tired and his eyelids were rapidly getting heavier.

"Know any party games?"

"I said shut up!....this isn’t a party"......Bret was now on the verge of dropping dead from boredom.

"How about I spy?"

"NO, NO, NO!!!!!"

"What’s wrong with eye spy ...it’s the greatest game on the planet ....look I’ll go first" said the King Queen(???????) taking a lingering look around Bret’s Living room" I spy with my little eye .....something beginning with..........N"

Bret sat looking at the wall wide eyed and strangely attentive.

"Something beginning with N" repeated Julian" Come on its easy!......Oi!" he shouted as he gave Bret a hefty push....(well at least it would have been a hefty push if he had been a Gorilla who has just had his bananas stolen and the guy (or Gorilla even....unless it was a very suicidal man!) who had stolen them was using them as sex aids with that certain Gorilla’s wife who he was having an affair with. Then the push would be a bit of a "I want to rip off your head and then use your entrails to hang my curtains with".....anyway what I’m trying to say is that Julian couldn’t push anyone for shit because he was basically the weakest saddest bastard who ever lived!)......(back to the story...how did I get so off track?)...Bret didn’t move.....after the third subsequent attempt. Julian decided to attempt something a little different went to Bret’s toy gun and let off a few imaginary rounds... 

"Bang, bang!" (even the gunshots sound bent)

Bret jumped out of his chair while his apparent open eyes then lifted up into his head disclosing another set of real eyes.

"Aarrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!"

"You painted eyes on your eye lids....anyone could have come in here and killed me ‘cos you were asleep!......"

"Damn.......nobody did!"

"Anyway ....I spy with my little eye something beginning with N"

".....I give up"

"No guess come on!"

"I give up"

"No you have to guess goddammit!!"

"Fine .....its Nutshell then over there!"

"No.....bwahahahahahahahaaaa!....its Sofa!"

"Sofa!....that doesn’t begin with N!"

"No but that’s the whole point....you see this is give the opponent the wrong letter ‘I Spy’"

"Then how the hell are you supposed to guess what the object is?"

"That’s what makes it more interesting.....I mean can you imagine guessing what something is when you don’t have a clue? No of course not ....but then some would be clever and say that it couldn’t be the letter that they were told...so they would only have 25 letters to choose from!....But! then the other player could have been using a double bluff and therefore the letter he said was actually the letter which the word started with....and then it gets even more interesting!....."

"SHUT UP! OR I WILL KILL YOU!"

"But you haven’t had your turn yet!"

"My turn!"

"Yes your turn!"

".....Right!" said Bret grabbing Julian by the neck "I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE.....A DEAD FUCKING BEAUTICIAN!!!!!....DIE YOU SCUMBAG!"

Just then a fridge sailed through the window (I mean how the hell can a fridge sail through anything, let alone a window!!!!)......

"Aaaarrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!"said Bret as it crashed into his skull.(Aren’t my descriptive screams getting boring!)

"Oh shite!" said Julian (probably the most interesting thing he had said all day) obviously now only just realising that his time was soon to come.

Through the hole in the window three fat men walked eating Pringles .....then another who was much more disgusting in size than Mel smith on a course of grow fat fast pills (What are grow fat fast pills? I hear you ask .....well I’m not going to tell you because I can’t be bothered....they just make you fat fast....if you wanted to do so!)

"So Julian we have found you!....now you are in trouble!!"(don’t these big boss men have any good lines?)

.......oh no....is this the end for Julian......well who actually cares if it is anyway.....but what about Bret...could even he survive a fridge through the head at high velocity! Of course he could! but what else should I say for a cliffhanger ending!......anyway wait until next time to find out!