It was a warm day, a slow week in the journals of Bret the Bastard had given Bret some time to do the things he enjoyed. and Bret was relaxing in his garden reading "Guns, Chicks and Sadomasochistic enslavement of the lower class idiots who can’t realise that they are weak and feeble and will soon be crushed by the Power of the Strong Evil Psycho-sadists from Hell". It was just the same as the Old Guns and Chicks but it had come under new management of "Mr S. Eytun" (work it out puny minds). Bret wasn’t so sure he enjoyed the magazine anymore....anyway....he was taking in a few rays when the doorbell rang....then a blood-curdling scream shot through the air. Bret ran to his front door to see what had happened. As he opened the front door he noticed a man lying unconscious on the floor with a distinctly agitated face.

"I must stop that doorbell from giving people electric shocks" he thought to himself.

Bret picked up the man who he recognised as police chief Incontinence and brought him into his lounge. After farting in the mans face he soon regained consciousness.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuukkkkkkkkkkkkk!"

After the chief had recovered from the violent stench of Bret’s arse he started to talk to Bret.

"Bret you remember the scourge of the ‘Horribly Violent Gang!’?"

"Weren’t they the people who stole all of the fridges from everyone and then threatened to destroy them if no-one payed them the required amount of Pringles!?"

"That’s them!" replied the Chief.

"Never heard of them!" said Bret.

"......well anyway.....their boss, the great King Kriscruchio the third has had a hold on the police force for quite a while and now it seems that we finally have a chance to bring him and his organisation to justice!"

"Cool........er.....what the hell do you need me for then?"

"Well we have his beautician.....and..........."

"You want me to beat the living shit out of him until he talks....Ok I’ll go and get out the pliers and the giant monkey suit!"

".....NO!.....he wants to talk!.......but unfortunately his boss knows this and although we have him under protection we know that he could be taken out at any time. (reassuring police huh??????) The thing is.....we want you to protect him!"

"...I see....you don’t want me to kill him.....you want me to protect him!"

"Yes and we were hoping that....."

"You Don’t want me to kill him..."

"Yes.....we want you to start..."

"You don’t want him hurt even a little bit?"

"No we don’t want a scratch on him ....OK! GET IT!"

".......er........well....I can’t say that I agree but ....I suppose I might as well...."

"Good! we want you to start today."

"What.....but..."

"In fact he’s should be here at any moment."

As if by magic the shopkeeper appeared. (er don’t know what the hell happened to me there!) Suddenly the door bell rang.....followed by a blood curdling scream.

"I really must do something about that bell" thought Bret "...but it’s so good at keeping Jehovah’s witnesses out of my way!"

Bret went to the front door and was surprised to see Danny Baker lying on the floor outside his house with a box of Daz in his hands. (That was his doorstep challenge!!!..hahahahahahahaaaa!) Bret closed the door and went back in the house....just then the doorbell rang followed by another scream. Bret went outside and was surprised to see Ronald MacDonald on the floor on top of Danny Baker. (??????)

Bret closed the door and went back in the house....just then the doorbell rang again (and yes you guessed it) a blood curdling scream rang out. Bret went back to the door and was again surprised to see Michael Aspel on top of Ronald MacDonald who was in turn on top of Danny Baker.(Yes Bret is goddamn famous enough....I mean if Toyah Wilcox can get on ‘This is your life’ then anyone can!!!) Then just as he was about to close the front door the postman arrived.

"Hello postman" said Bret

"Hello Bret the Bastard" said the postman

"Got any mail for me have you.....you scumsucking, baby eating, horse shagging gender bender."

"Yes this letter is for you" said the postman with a smile "Good day to you sir!"(They can’t be mean to anyone!).Then the postman went on his rounds. Bret went back inside and sat down.

"I thought you said that this guy was going to get here right about now!"

"He is .....but he will be in disguise!"

"What is he disguised as!"

"...I don't know?"

"Well that’s just great I mean it could be anyone?"(any guesses?)

"That’s right! Which one of the people do you think it was who is lying outside of your front door?"

"It would have to be someone who was out of place!....hmmmmm"

I’ll go and get Danny Baker he’s out of place on this planet even though Ronald MacDonald shouldn’t be anywhere near my house at this time of night....I mean he usually comes round on Thursdays!"

...........Just then the letter which Bret had left on the table exploded and out jumped none other than ...... "Julian Faggbotilopotomus!"

"Au chant.........."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhh!" shouted Bret "You didn’t tell me his beautician was the worlds biggest bore in the entire world.....and that he was a poof!"....

.......Oh no is Bret to be assigned forever to a Boring poof well stranger things have happened......I mean "Saturday night" by Wigfield got to number one..... .anyway tune in next time to find out....