............Sometimes you can get a little bored of people trying to rule the world. For Bret the Bastard it was an everyday occurrence that a complete head-case decided that he/she (don’t you just hate political correctness?) wishes to rule the world. It was a thing he could well do without apart from the fact that he gained great satisfaction in kicking the shit out of the bad guy! Anyway on this particular day, when yet another person had decided that they wanted to rule the world (as you do!) and then had done the stupidest thing possible and told Bret the Bastard that he wished to do so - and therefore causing his own downfall (you would think that Arch villains would have realised by now wouldn't you?). In this case - The American Gladiator has done something not so monumentally stupid as all of the rest. (quite surprisingly really because he seems to be one of the stupidest opponents of Bret so far) He sidekicknapped Bret's side-kick - Blow-up Banana boy and is threatening to do all sorts of horrible things to him......like play the England Germany game to him again and again until he cracks and kills himself. Anyway back to the story (what there is of it!!)..........

"Right well I’d better go and stop that mad American Gladiator - even though he might kill my side-kick!....what the hell!" thought Bret.

He looked in his kitchen drawer for a map....

"hmmmm.....ahh here it is.....The American Gladiator's secret hideout.....aren’t maps helpful" said Bret to no-one in particular apart from himself as he preceded to leave his house once again for the secret hideout of the American Gladiator.

Once outside the secret hideout which was very easy to find....just off of the A30, he thought about the final touches he should put to his plan. Just then he was attacked by a Suicidal Ninja badger.

"Aarrghhh!" shouted Bret as he was caught off guard by the badger’s cunning knee to his head. He quickly scrambled to his feet and took up a fighting stance. The badger took a step back and took off one of his boxing gloves...

"Ha!....you call that a fighting stance?....I’ve seen hedgehogs put up better fights than you!" cackled the badger.

"Maybe so!" said Bret "but those hedgehogs didn’t have a cruise missile with them aimed at your head did they....?...no I suppose not!...bye-bye...sucker!"

"Hey you can’t fire that thing from this range!. The backblast will rebound on you! There isn't anyone as smart as me!...Barney the Suicidal Ninja Badger!" said the Suicidal Badger as he prepared to take a flying Shenglong dragon punch.

"Ahhhhh...but you’re forgetting one thing!" said Bret.

"What’s that then?" answered Barney the smart ass.

"This is a story and you have a much crapper name than me so the blast will only kill you - besides I’m the star and everybody knows that the star always cheats death by complete flukes of nature!"

Bret fired the missile which exploded on contact with the badger sending his body parts flying everywhere....luckily for Bret the wall behind him collapsed and the back blast which could have killed him only succeeded in crushing a couple who were having sex in a mini behind him. To add to their distress (apart from the fact that anyone who can manage to have sex in a mini must be tiny or just extremely desperate) the badger’s head landed right in between them causing the woman involved to scream and make a mad grab for something to hit it with....(no prizes for guessing what was available!)

......Bret made his way inside and looked around for the place where Blow-up banana boy was being held. He presently came to a door upon which was written:-

"BLOW-UP BANANA BOY IS IN HERE"

Bret sensed that there was something wrong. He couldn’t quite think what it was....then he realised!

"It should say ‘IN HERE TIED UP’" Thought Bret changing the wording with his handy black marker pen.

He then preceded to enter the room. Surprisingly enough Blow-up Banana boy was in there tied up, gagged and sitting in a chair.

"I’ve come to get you out!" said Bret to an increasingly concerned Blow up banana boy. Who was trying to tell Bret something

"Are you glad I got here to get you?.......don’t you think I’m cool?...."

Blow-up Banana boy was now frantically trying to get his gag off.

"What’s that?....you want me to take the gag off....ok"

Bret removed the gag.....

"I left the iron on!" shouted Blow-up banana boy as Bret was clubbed over the head with a frozen pizza. He fell to the floor unconscious.

"Oh yeah......and....look out it’s a trap...."

.........Much later in another room.

Bret awoke to find himself starring face to face with the American Gladiator.

"So you fell for my trap!....you fool....now I will destroy you the world and everything! Yeah Baby Yeah!"

"er....wouldn’t that be a bit counterproductive! since you want to rule the world?" asked Bret

"......er.....shut up!...yeah baby yeah!" replied the American Gladiator

"Why exactly do you want to rule the world and then destroy it?"

"Well baby it has to do with the fact that I want to be the ruler and then not let anyone else have it after me...ok baby ....yeah baby yeah!!"

"...makes perfect sense....thankyou ...you can kill me now if you like!"

"Right baby....you and the boy here got any last requests?"

"er.....yes I want to fight you to the death!!"

"Ok baby lets go!!!"

The American Gladiator let Bret out of his bonds and then preceded to ring the bell (which just happened to be there) for round 1. Then he ran at Bret and got him in a head lock. Bret countered with a swift two fingers in his eyes. Then the Gladiator used his triple knee jerk which sent Bret flying! Coming in for the kill he grabbed Bret and got him in a bear hug.

"Time to die you pathetic worm...yeah baby yeah!"

Just then Bret noticed that the Gladiators label was sticking out of his tight lycra stomper suit. He took a close look at it (which wasn’t difficult because he was at present right next to it) He noticed it had something written on it in biro......then something incredibly strange happened....Bret started laughing......

"bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah...etc.."

"What are you laughing at?" asked the American Gladiator "tell me baby!"

"hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah...etc (again)!"

"What .....what is it.....!!!!!"

"...hahahahahahaha........hahahahaha....hahahah.... hey ...hahaha....blow up banana boy..... hahahaha....guess what I've seen ...hahahahahahaha!!!....on his washing label on his lycra romper suit...hahahahah....you'll never guess ..........hhahahahahahahaha!!"

"What?"

"....hahahaha his name has been written on it...hahahahaha...by his mum...hahahahahaha...what a poof...hahahah...but the funniest thing is....hahahahaha....his name......"

"What is it?"

"hahahahahah his name is .........hahahahahahahahaha"

"WHAT?"

"his name is Julian....hahahahaa what a faggot hahahahaha, what a girly name...what a poof!"

The Gladiator dropped Bret and screamed.

"Noooooooooooooooooo! you know my real name......how can I ever live with other people knowing my name? sob....sob.....I'm ruined.....sob!"

"...ahhhh, there there we can’t all have decent names can we.....you faggot named, small genitalled, gender bender!" said blow up banana boy

"Yes ......bwaaaahhwaaaaahwaaaaa!......etc"

Much later in Checkers cafe.

"Well that about wraps this one up." said blow up banana boy

"Yeah...after we put old ..snigger...JULIAN into therapy.......bwaaahwaaahwwaaa!"

"Well Bret what’s the moral of this story?"

"er...the moral of this story is ....Don’t wear tight clothes if you have a small dick and a faggot name like Julian...oh yeah and if you can’t stop saying...Yeah baby yeah!"

"er....good moral...and remember kids.....don’t stick your head in front of a passing tank!"

"Yeah baby yeah!"