........In our last episode it was evident that Bret was losing his edge. He was going on a date with a woman with the sole purpose to give her a good time. This might not be so bad you might think because hard men like Bret don’t give a damn about their woman. But it is bad because Bret is falling in love he is turning into an annoying asshole. He is talking about settling down and having kids....I mean can you imagine kids like Bret .....er......bad idea! Anyway we rejoin our hero as he arrives at the restaurant with Maria for their dinner date........

"After you" said Bret.

"Thank you"

(yeah I know what a waste of dialogue...but it sets the scene)

"My you smell lovely - baboons rectum my favorite fragrance!" complemented Maria

"Thank you, I pride myself on my smell" replied Bret.

They sat down at a table and a waiter came over to take their order.....

"I’ll have the 100oz steak with chips and salad, a roast chicken with roast potatoes, a pepperoni supreme pizza with extra everything, the turkey with extra beef, the avocado dip, the curry with ice cream, the roast human with mint frosting, the sate’d Welk with goat sauce, the pig salad with sheep dip, what the man over there is eating, the fish of the day with extra fat, the Kentucky fried chicken with extra legs and wings...they breed ‘em like that y’know....."

"Really!"

"No don’t be stupid! ....the frogspawn with caviar and the meat platter with prawns for my starter!"

"...and for you sir?" asked the waiter.

"....er I’ll have the soup" replied Bret.

"...oh yes ..waiter I’ll have the soup too!" said Maria.

"......a healthy appetite....I like that in a woman" said Bret (suave as ever.)

Much later......(after the restaurant’s cooks had been overworked and had quit 13 times only to be reinstated for further wage increases)

"....I can’t decide whether to have the chocolate gateaux or....the strawberry cheesecake.............oh no no no"

"....too fattening huh?" retorted Bret.

"....I’ll have both!"

There was something wrong......Bret couldn’t quite put his finger on it but he was sure that something wasn’t quite right.....maybe the waiter....or perhaps the food .....he couldn't decide.

"Maria it seems to me you can eat almost anything and not gain weight"

"It’s true" replied Maria, "In fact the more I eat the thinner I get!"

"Come on Maria the mere weight of the food inside you must...."

"No Bret you’re wrong!.....you’re terribly wrong.....you see.......

I AM A CREATURE FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION!!!!!!!!"

(PSYCHO KIND OF NOISE........eee eee eee eee eee!!!!)

"Is that a good enough reason for not paying the bill?"

.......In a Prison far from that restaurant Bret's sister had recovered from her wounds (yeah I know it has only been a few hours in which to be arrested, beat up, put on trial, sent to prison and heal.....but it’s a story so I don’t care......the Bastards are fast healers)

"That biro I shot Bret with should have taken effect by now" thought Bretina

(wavy flashbacky kind of effect)

Those of you who have good memories will remember this scene from episode 2.

"You don’t fool me, That biro isn’t loaded!"

"BANG!"

(ok so biros don’t go bang unless you fill them with gunpowder ,but it was funny anyway)

"That’s right, this biro isn’t loaded.....but this one is!" said Bretina pulling a loaded biro from her pocket. And shooting Bret in the leg.

"ouch!" shouted Bret "That hurt ...no fair Sis your using real weapons nowadays"

Ok that’s for all of you who skipped it cos you can’t be bothered to read these stories properly.

(wavy shimmery flashbacky kind of effect)

"It should have made him fall in love with the first woman that he saw after it took effect." thought Bretina "Now if I can just find a way to get out of here I can finish the job I started."

Bretina walked out into the play area to play on the bouncy castle that the prison had recently installed.

"Aaaaiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeee!!!!" shouted the rest of the prisoners (they’ve been trained how to scream in unison) and immediately started a riot attempting to get away from Bretina.

"This is going to be easier than I thought" Thought Bretina bouncing over the nearest prison wall and jumping to freedom....

"Now Bret you’re number is up!"

Meanwhile Bret was having a bad day....

"I can’t believe it Maria my therapist.....a creature from another dimension?????.... that explains her green skin!" thought Bret "I want to get away from her.......and yet .... I find her strangely attractive.......no I must get away........but she is so gorgeous ....I mean green skin and a orange dress what amazing dress sense."

"Is something wrong dear?" asked Maria.

"Well apart from the fact that you're a creature from another dimension...er....no not really!"

"Oh don’t let that bother you....I thought it might be the fact that I have green scaly skin and a face like Johnny Hughes!"

"....er...now that you mention it....er......no it doesn't matter....I love you Maria ...lets get married and have kids...."

Just then Bretina burst into the Restaurant sporting her new short back and sides (For disguise)

"Ok now it’s time for you to die Bret!" shouted Bretina

"...Oh no you don’t!" shouted Maria" He’s coming back to my dimension with me to get married...he loves me!

"Die you green Bitch!!!!" shouted Bretina.

"Sis can’t we talk about this?...oh and by the way nice haircut...very manly"

"NO....and thank you!"

"Quick Bret lets get out of here!" said Maria getting her dimension jumper out of her pocket.

"Put this jumper on Bret....It’ll take you to another dimension" (hmmmm) "But it only works once!"

"Diiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeee!!!!!" said Bretina jumping at them and hitting both Bret and Maria with the door.

Then a fight started up between all of the customers......during which Bret, Bretina and Maria all got knocked out.....when Maria awoke she found the two arguing but she couldn’t decide which was which.

"Which one of you is the real Bret?" she asked.

The two bastard twins looked up but said nothing. Maria then got out her Bastardizer (tm) ray gun and pointed it at them.

"Wait a minute the real Bret loves me so I’ll let him live....now which one of you is the real Bret?"

"I am" they both said.

"The real Bret would know what grade the shaver was on when he shaved the dogs head off ...he loves me" she said "so I want you to tell me what grade that was!"

"It was grade -7" said the Bret on the right

"That’s right...come on baby it’s time to go my dimension" she shouted slipping on the jumper grabbing the Bret on the right and then disappearing in a shower of sparks not giving her lover a chance to say another word.

(Oh no is this the end for Bret the Bastard is he doomed to spend the rest of his life with the ugliest of other dimensional beings?)

"Well it’s time to go home" said the real Bret.

("wait a minute how the hell did you do that" asked the writer who knows already but has to ask for all of the people who are reading and don't know...well actually the writer is trying to think up a reason why.......)

"It’s simple" said Bret ".......what Maria didn’t know is that I can throw my voice, so when she asked the question I just made it sound like it was me but it was actually Bretina. That was simple wasn't it.....!!!"

(but how did you break the spell of the love potion?)

"Ahh well it’s obvious....green skin I could deal with but when I realised that she was the spitting image of Johnny Hughes the spell was broken.....I mean how could anyone even think of loving Johnny and marrying him let alone going out with him. They would have to be insane!!!"