After the attack of the killer clowns you may remember that Bret was due to be called into court. Rather than bore you with a boring tedious courtroom drama I will take you through the main points. Bret was accused of willful destruction of property he defended his case well.....considering. .......After getting very agitated with the prosecutor and decking him he was not in very good standing with the judge.......however the interruption of the Snakecharmer changed all of this......

(The Snakecharmer is a man who uses snakes for his evil purposes. He controls them....not by mind control or by and sophisticated electronics, not even with a snakecharmer’s pipe....but he does in fact charm snakes by being a complete flirt he charms them into bed and then promises them sexual favours for their continued support....anyway back to the story). The Snakecharmer broke into the courtroom and was about to kill all of the courtroom when Bret told him that his had shit on his shoes. Not realising that he wasn’t wearing shoes and that in fact he was wearing his patent applied for snakeskin flip-flops too late he was quickly overpowered by Bret who knocked him over by hitting him with the entire jury and then the prosecution. After which the judge decided to let Bret off with a caution and a promise from him that he take a course of counseling to deal with all of his anti-feeling for the rest of humankind. Bret had no choice but to agree, I mean they wouldn’t let him in prison because the prisoners......well...... they were all afraid he would hurt them. Thus begins this episode of Bret’s Journals......

Bret looked at his watch...he was late for his session and after Blow-up-banana boy had taken the Bastard Mobile with him on holiday he was having trouble making it to where he was supposed to be. When he did finally reach the building he approached the receptionist who told him to go right up to the office. He knocked on the door and went in..........

".....Take a seat" said the woman behind the desk motioning to the sofa.

"Tell me.....what do you want me to call you Mr. Bastard?" asked the woman.

"Master would be nice!" answered Bret "Preferably preceded by ...Is there anything I can do to give you endless pleasure!"

"Mr. Bastard if you continue to speak in this manner I will be forced to tell the court that you are not co-operating!.....now I shall call you Bret and you may call me Maria"

"Ok Maria!" said Bret

"Right lets start with your need for violence....why do you feel you need to express yourself with violence?"

".....well" replied Bret "It all stems from my childhood...."

"....really" said Maria obviously enthralled.

"....no not really.....hahahahahaha I just thought I'd wind you up!..........hahahahah!"

"Mr. Bastard.....what did I tell you?"

"Ok.....ok....."

"Right shall we instead start with your childhood"

"......I didn't have a childhood different from any other child. I wanted the same things ......y’know cool toys, more food, a pet crocodile to beat up, a fluffy bunny to destroy those kinds of things."

"Hmmmmmm.......what about your parents?"

"My parents....I never knew them.....I mean they were never there"

"Your parents never cuddled you held you or talked to you"

"Well no it would have been quite disgusting if they did!"

"Why was that?" said Maria (putting on her extreme concerned look)

"Well they were dead!"

"Oh I see........what about brothers and sisters?"

"I had a brother and a sister"

"HAD a brother and a sister?"

"Yeah , me and mi brother were always competing.....like kids do then one day we had a challenge neither of us could resist......you see there was this old man who lived next to us and he had a dog called Fluffy you know one of those faggotish poodles with Brian May hair. Anyway he went out for the day and we challenged each other to shave his dog. So naturally I whacked him over the head with a shovel so that I could get there first....."

"You killed your brother with a shovel?" (Horrified face)

"....no don’t be stupid....I went on over and started shaving the dog but something went wrong with the hair trimmer was set to grade -7 and I managed to clip the dogs head right off. Now I was in trouble and that was not good so I went to my brother who was at this time recovering and I said to him that I had shaved the dog and that he could have the glory if he gave me his piggy bank.....he thought about it for a while and then he said Ok (Not very bright my brother you understand). So I told him where the clippers were and he went off to see......just then our neighbour Mr. Stalin came home and naturally he wasn’t all too pleased when he found that his prize poodle had had his head shaved off as you could understand! He caught my brother and then commanded that he be shot.....and that's as far as the story goes...."

"........................................................what about your sister?"

"....my sister she ran away after that because she said that she loved him better than me and that it was my fault that he had been killed.....I didn’t really see her side y’know.....I....mean.....it could have been me.....NO THANKYOU!"

"I see....it seems that childhood trauma could have affected your judgment!....lets proceed further shall we" said Maria shuffling about "How about you first sexual experience?"

"......er....well there was this girl who I liked called Samantha Apples and it was her birthday, so she and I celebrated upstairs for a couple of minutes then we went back down stairs to play musical chairs and get our pieces of cake"

"Musical chairs!......Pieces of Cake!.....how old were you?"

"Oh I must have been about three then its hard to remember there were quite a lot of parties around then......yeah I was three.......early developer you see!"

"I see" said Maria.

"Of course there have been a few since then....."

"....er....yes...."said Maria crossing her legs and relaxing in her big chair.

"Tell me about your sister"

"Not much to tell really I have no idea where she is at the moment......"

.....At that moment Bret’s sister was attempting to assassinate her brother while he sat in Maria’s office. However rather than shoot him from miles away she decided that she would crash in the window and cut him to pieces with a very blunt biro. Intelligence in the Bastard Family was never a stongpoint!

"Diiiiiiiieeeeeeee!!!!!" she shouted as she careered through the window.

"......Sis how are you?"

"Diiiiiiiiiieeeeeee you scumsucking pig, you don’t deserve to live you sorry excuse for a human being, I shall rip out your nose hairs one by one with a pair of pliers and then drive you slowly insane by playing Summer Holiday by Cliff Richard over a million times in only one of your ears while playing Wonderwall by Oasis in the other.......I hate you you bastard! Come here and let me show you how much I hate you"

"..........er.....my you have grown since I last saw you.....!"

.....Is this the end for our hero has he met his match in the form of family .......is he to be slain by his sister? ....find out in the next installment of......Bret the Bastard!!!!!