It was a bright sunny day as Bret awoke to find the light summer breeze coasting through his room.

"Ahhhhh...what a beautiful morning" he thought to himself even though it was in fact 15:47 in the afternoon.

"I think I’ll go and play in the park seeing as business is slow and the weather is so nice" he thought as he tried to get up.......however he found he could not.......life was not feeling kind today. Bret looked down to find what the problem was and was faced with a waistline that could even have given Rylands a run for his money(...but....not very much running!!!!).

"What happened to my gut?!!" cried Bret the fat Bastard attempting to roll over on his front.

"How did I get this fat?"

Then suddenly it all came back to him.....(wavy shimmering kind of flashbacky effect). He had gone to the pub the night before and had had a few jars with the lads. After drinking straight from the bar taps constantly for 3 hours he finally got up for a short break to go to the toilet. Then while he was in the toilet the Barman offered him the chance to sample something that he had...............

.....(You dirty minded Bastards!).... after beating the shit out of the Barman Bret finally realised that he wasn’t a faggot. The Barman (who incidentally Bret had never seen before but was sure he knew him) said that this was the opportunity of a lifetime ....to try the greatest alcoholic drink of all time.

"No-one can resist it’s ability to completely overpower the mind!" explained the Barman. Being a man who can’t resist a challenge Bret said that he would like to try it. The Barman then brought out a can of his special brew.

"I call it Tafs’drazil brew" said the Barman.

Bret took the can and gulped down the special brew.

"I don’t feel a thing!" retorted Bret looking at the man who now looked incredibly familiar except for the fact that there were now many more of him and his number were increasing rapidly.

"oh and by the way it may have some side effects" said the Barman.

"What side effects?" said Bret struggling to keep the man in focus.

"Well it’s only really been tested on one other person! (no prizes for guessing guys)"

"WHAT!!!" shouted Bret losing consciousness.......(wavy kind of flashbacky effect backwards)

......So that was it, the side effect was an incredibly large beer belly and a bad attitude coupled with a short temper and a fixation with women who aren’t even remotely interested in you (another subtle dig). Bret finally managed to get himself on his feet and he bounced downstairs and tripped managing to destroy much furniture and then promptly careered through the front door. When finally he reached a halt he found himself in the park. Then he was surrounded by lizards.

"Ha! if it isn’t Bret the Fat Bastard" said Lizard1 copying the author’s joke and finding his own useless attempt at humor funny.

"I’ll get you!" shouted Bret getting to his feet and making a mad waddle for Lizard 1

...then falling flat, or rather round, on his belly.

"You can’t hurt us" said Lizard 12 "You can’t even stand up!"

......Then another voice was to be heard...

"So Bret the Bastard is no more the king of the castle...he is just the big fat rascal. We the lizards now have control. Bret cannot even tie his own shoelaces. We have won", It was the lizard leader, he was alive, but how?

"How is it that you are still alive?" asked Bret

"Well you would be surprised what they can do with DNA Technology these days, (well they get away with it in Star Trek all the time)"

"I can still get you, remember I can quote "Take That" songs!" shouted Bret the fat but ever resourceful and most definitely still a Bastard.

"What's that you say?" said the Lizard leader" I have my patented Take That protectors in my ears and I can't hear a word that you say......we will leave you now to lie here and slowly die as the children one by one come and kick their new football......... hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha !!!!!!!!!! (all lizards seem to have no real sense of humor and definitely no joke telling skills)

........Oh no! is this the end for our hero is he to be the butt of everyone’s joke, the fat ball of the footballer, the Goodyear blimp , wait and see in the next thrilling episode.........